Don't Be A Church Trauma "Pick-Me"

Cause trust me, he isn't that into you and he really isn't worth it

For those unfamiliar with this final term of the youth’s vernacular I will be young enough to understand, allow Urban Dictionary to help us both:

“A pick me is a woman that is willing to do anything for male approval. She will embarrass or throw other women under the bus to achieve this goal. The unfortunate thing about a pick me is usually the men they are trying to seek approval from are of poor quality and treat women badly, leaving little real benefit for the pick me.”

Now, just to give you a bit better of an understanding as to just how well versed I truly am in this concept, I present to you some examples:

• I once used my own money in HS to purchase a DirectTV sports package to keep up with every game of my crush’s favorite team. I did and still don’t have any interest in football.

• I can still quote nearly every line from the early seasons of Family Guy because I learned in middle school that was the show the cute boys thought was funny.

• I once lied to my parents about sleeping over at a friends house, ditched that friend when I was supposed to be sleeping over at her house, drove an hour out of town and spent the night alone with 5 boys consuming my first ever alcoholic beverages and recreational drugs (sorry mom). And why embark on this clear “MeToo” moment in the making? Because the boys said they liked me best.

I am no stranger to the craving and reckless pursuit of male validation. So engrained this concept was in me, it also led to spending the first 7 years of my life in vocational ministry committed to a theological framework that consistently devalued me, mistreated me, and harmed me— all because the cool boys said it was best. I looked down upon and judged other women who “couldn’t hack it like I could.” Women who gave up too soon, who just weren’t gifted enough to be truly valued, women who chose themselves over theological correctness. I wasn’t like those girls.

It’s ugly when written out isn’t it? Lord knows I never would have said these statements out loud at the time. But Lord also knows just how loud that pride born out of deep insecurity truly was at the time.

I was and would be the woman that did it right. The woman that endured. That would respect herself while never losing theirs. The woman they would finally love, accept, and celebrate fully. Until I wasn’t. Until after years of avoidance, denial, and excuses, I had to reckon with the fact those girls were no different from me. They had simply come before me. And my trajectory would be the same as theirs. And that was not a shame— God no. That was an honor.

To finally be identified with and see myself in the very women I spent years criticizing, internally shaming, and joining in on judging…it humbled me quick. It changed something in me. It shed a “pick-me” status within me that would only continue to molt away as I would soon find myself identifying with more and more “othered” communities (to borrow a term from the great,

Jenai Auman

).

Communities often looked down on, forgotten, and judged by the church. Communities often labeled unlovely, hard to love, and too difficult. Communities that, because of my own experience with church trauma, spiritual abuse, and the complete unraveling of my faith, I found myself feeling more and more associated and in unity with.

And I guess that is what leads me to my current confusion? Frustration? Full blown outrage? IDK I’ll let my own processing through written word decide…

Now that the unraveling/untangling/deconstructing/[insert your own preferred term for the wreckoning and wrestling] of faith is becoming commonplace in church culture and conversation, there appears to be emerging a strange sort of “pick-me” version of such a struggle.

There appears to be voices emerging who present themselves as having done deconstruction “the biblical” or “faithful” way. People who will invoke their own painful or traumatic church experiences only to shame, guilt, or judge others trying to survive the same. Those who gave up too soon, who just weren’t faithful enough to remain true believers, those who chose themselves over theological correctness. They aren’t like those deconstructionists. They are the ones doing it right.

And this may be where I am leaning too far into my own experience and need to recognize it is not the same as everyone’s, but for me, to truly have walked through and allowed myself the full experience of this wilderness, was to learn and to be consistently affirmed, there is no “right” way to endure a pain like this.

To judge, shame, or question anyone’s journeying through this maze? How silly! I am just glad I found someone who can maybe help and give me some directions.

The “others” I have found within this confusing and tumultuous space, they are often looked down on, forgotten, and judged by the church. Often labeled bitter, vengeful, and too dramatic. But they are those that, because of my own experience with church trauma, spiritual abuse, and the complete unraveling of my faith, I have found myself feeling more and more honored to be associated and found in unity with.

So yes, I highly question those that claim to have endured similar and yet, continue to project a distaste, an uneasiness, and a clear judgement toward those same individuals. If you claim to have healed from religious trauma and yet continue to hold a superiority to others who have reckoned with the same but in a different way, my beloved you have not healed nearly enough.

There may still remain a loud pride born out of deep insecurity that longs to be accepted by the cool, the powerful, the esteemed kid’s table.

Because the reject table? Ain’t no posturing, ego, or comparison is needed here. No need to purchase DirectTV packages or endure 26 seasons of South Park. No need to create constant “in defense of the church” graphics or write whole books on how everyone else is doubting and wrestling wrong. One only needs a desire to believe that this table is just as good (better? I think Jesus thought so) as any other. And to be in this company is not a shame, it’s an honor.

Coming from the woman that jumped into a new church right way, still believes in Jesus and His Bride, will defend the need for community until her dying breath, let me say this loud and clear:

Knock it off.

(please)